hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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