right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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