Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
