i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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