talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
