Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
