He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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