I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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