I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
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Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
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he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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