highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
