You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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