I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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