peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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