ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
