I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
