so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
