Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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