Non-Jews are for practice
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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