Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
