Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
