dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
