You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
