Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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