I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
