his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
