plz talk dirty to me
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
