I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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