Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
