My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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