Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
