It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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