Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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