I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
