Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Ketchup is God's man juice
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
