Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
