The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
