I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I deserve this hangover.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
