i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
