Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
