WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
this will be a night to untag.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
