When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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