Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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