Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize