hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
