I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
