One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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