What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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