You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Randomize
