I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
