I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
