So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
