im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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