I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
