and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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