Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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