we made out on top of his cat.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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