sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
