I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
