Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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