i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
